This is something i should have written a at least a week ago but….well……all things considered i suppose any normal human being would need some time. The thing i’m about to talk about also should not be a surprise. There are times in the past when i should have talked about the things that were happening but it was either to hard to talk about or i felt they were private matters, which is odd because now i find talking about it the most helpful The final reason is probably because i knew my dad had this site bookmarked on his computer and on the off chance he visited the site i would not want him to be upset by reading a post i wrote about his woes.
You see my father got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just about a year ago. I still remember being the Doctors office when he said my father only had a year to live. Bullshit!?! I claimed. Dad seems so healthy and full of life, it will take much longer then a year for that to change, if at all. The Doctors were right, and i resent them for that. On Friday Januray 4th 2013 my father passed away in his home surrounded by loved ones. I was there, as was my sister, mom, both aunts, 2 cousins, my uncle and his wife, my grandma (his mom) my other uncle, my brother in law, my girlfriend and a family friend. This is probably one of the few things about the situation that brings warmth to my heart, he was surrounded by loved ones.
Im not sure where i want to go with this, do i talk about all the great memories over the years, which i have already done many times. Perhaps this time i talk about my feelings. The sadness yes, naturally, but also the anger. So much anger at so many things. Angry that my dad was taken so soon and so fast. Angry that i didn’t get to spend more time with him. Angry that i thought i had more time, i thought i could get done the things i needed to get done and still have time to be with dad. Angry that i was wrong. Angry at life in general, how cruel it is to align things up in such a distorted order, finally i was becoming a man that my dad could be proud of, with a career, a girlfriend of 10 years, a life that he could look at and be proud he helped shape, along with my mom of coarse. At the same time my dad was changing (or was he? may’be it was just me) my dad was starting to become the kinda guy i wanted to be around, i think he always was, but i was just now starting to see it. I’m sure that me and my dad would have become much closer later in life, and i’m angry that it was taken away from me.
I’m sad there is no doubt about it. The anger is much worse though. Is it because im a guy? Is that a guy’s way of dealing with loss? Or, is it just me?
My dad was a very smart man, especially about things he was interested in, and i was just starting to share those interests too. Things i thought were mundane, like his knowledge of the wars (WW1, WW2, etc) his vast knowledge of rock n’ roll music, you see i just recently realized what was staring me int he face for so many years, my dad was a music lover. I am a music lover, i even make my own music and i never even knew i got that from my dad, but i did. My dad was a jack of all trades too, he could do carpentry, plumbing, heating, electrical and he was no mechanic but he could hold his own under the hood. How i would love to be able to sit down with my dad and a bottle of wine and just talk history for hours now or to build something together and have him teach me how. I kept trying to get him and i to rebuild his boat and i finally convinced him, next year he said, if i feel ok (referring to the cancer). I am angry at life from taking my dad away from me before we could do these things and im angry at myself for not wanting to do these things earlier in life.
It really reminds me of that song “Cats in the Cradle” because i just kept waiting and waiting for the right time, for life to get easier for things to settle down……..
Trust me people, you cant wait.
It’s hard to see any good come out of this but perhaps there was a little. I learned a lot about dad during all of this. I learned that my dad was a really hard worker who’s family took precedent over all else. He built a good life for us growing up and in his death made sure we were all taken care of. He was a great man and he inspired me. It never occurred to me growing up that my dad could be my hero, to me superman and batman, those were heroes. I didn’t get it. My dad trumps them all. I want to be a hardworking family man just like him, when i die i want to have just as much of a legacy to leave behind and i want my family to be taken care of. SO if any good came from this maybe its that i want to be a better person, i want to be like my dad. 30 years into life and i now know that i want to be like my dad.
I’m sorry it took so long, Pop!
I could go on but its starting to feel selfish, like its all about me. Its not, its about how great my dad was, how much he loved life and how unfair it is that it was cut so short.